growing up and slowing down

Every day is different.

Some days, I can’t wait for my child to get bigger. I can’t wait him to be able to play sports and swim in the big pool. I cant wait for him to have real play dates and actually pay attention to the movie or show that’s playing. I can’t wait for him to go to school and learn how to read and write and count. I can’t wait for him to be able to be self sufficient and occupy his own time, simply for my own convenience.

Then I take a step back…

I don’t want him to grow another inch. I want to hold him forever. I want to be who he chooses forever. I want him to stay innocent and naive. I don’t want him to see how cruel this world can be to its occupants. I don’t want him to ever feel heartbreak or disappointment. I don’t want to lose my baby.

I thought I was a bad parent, for wanting to hold him back tight. I thought I was a bad parent for wanting him to hurry up and hit these milestones.

What I’m learning, slowly but surely, is that it’s about balance.

I can cuddle him all night, and still count down the days until I’m able to sleep for more than four hours at one time.

I can carry him around constantly, and still be excited for the day that he learns to walk.

I can kiss him on the cheek and still dream of the day he meets a girl and does the same thing for her.

I can sign him lullabies, and still wait for the day that he sings along.

I can cherish these moments with my baby, and still pray for his future.

I can love my little baby and still love to see him grow.

I can’t slow down or speed up time. I can’t pause it.

I also can’t turn it back.

I’m learning to enjoy each day.

I’m learning to love being his support system, because every day i’m becoming less needed.

I’m learning to enjoy each and every milestone, because it means he’s becoming who he is meant to become.

I’m learning to breathe in the moments when he needs me the most, because soon, he won’t.

I’m learning to love him being my baby and love him becoming a man, all at the same time.