hope for my baby

Welcome to the world, my sweet baby.

Welcome to the world, that we’ve completely polluted and trashed before your arrival. I’m sorry you may never know a world with leopards and gorillas. I’m sorry that we’ve killed so much of what you’ve yet to explore. I’m sorry that there’s so much left for you to clean.

Welcome to the world, my sweet baby-

a world where we kill each other over what happens after you die. Where we sell women and children for the unthinkable. Where men are still seen as the dominant sex, in comparison to women.Where we hate people based on the color of their skin.

Welcome to the world, my sweet baby-

Where children are yanked away from their parents, as if the choices of adults is their fault. Where we are driven by eliminating the freedom of others.

Welcome to the world, my sweet baby-

Where we have to hide under the blanket if you need to drink mommy’s milk in public. Where emotions aren’t valid, and your meltdown because you’re having a bad day, makes you terror, by societies standard. Where my choices yo guide you are criticized every second of every day.

Welcome to the world my sweet baby-

Where you can’t go outside alone, because you’ll undoubtedly be taken. Where I’m terrified to post a picture of you on a public platform, because somehow “they’ll find you”.

Welcome to the world, my sweet baby. It’s pretty disappointing right now.

and I am so sorry.

BUT, there is hope.

You are my hope, my sweet baby.

I know you better than anybody, and I know your strength. I know that this world will not crush your spirit.

My hope for you, my sweet baby…..

is that you lead your peers to excellency, while following God, in every decision you make.

My hope for you is that you take care of your loved ones, your possessions, your community, the earth around you, and most importantly, yourself.

My hope for you is that you act kindly, without expecting a reward. That you say “yes” as often as possible, but never forget how to say “no”.

My hope for you, my sweet baby, is that you make your mark on this damaged and brutal world, and spread your joyful heart and belly laughs around to every inch of the earth possible.

My hope for you, my sweet baby, is that you and your children and your grandchildren, can somehow find the beauty in this world.

be good. still good.

Good morning, 2019.

Mom life is a tough gig man. I was asleep by 10pm last night! What about you?

I don’t normally make resolutions, mostly because I don’t usually see a point. Why wait until the new year to change your ways or make a difference? This year, however, I’m giving it a shot.

2018 was a tough year for me and my family. While it was by far the best we could’ve asked for, it was also very trying.

My husband returned from a deployment in February, we welcomed our son to the world in April and we closed on our first home in July, all while dealing with the trials and tribulations of marriage (right out of the honeymoon phase) and dealing with a lot of mental illness.

I spent a lot of time shedding tears and tearing myself to pieces in 2018. So here are my three resolutions for 2019, plus a bonus, for good measure.

RAISE A GOOD HUMAN

My son is a week shy of 9 months old. He’s mobile and so smart. He’s learning a lot every single day. I won’t lie, I cuss a lot. I say ugly things, make unfair assumptions frequently and can sometimes be a little selfish. We all have our faults. That being said, I want my son to grow up loving everyone and spreading kindness around like confetti. Kids watch us more than we think. They want to be just like mom and dad. My number one and most important resolution for 2019 is to lead by example and teach my son to be genuine and caring. When I was 18 I had “act without expectation” tattooed on my arm, and while sometimes I lose touch, those are the most meaningful words to my heart. It means to do good, even if you know you won’t receive anything in return. My biggest hope in life is that they hold close to my children’s hearts as well.

SELF CARE, SELF LOVE

I lost myself quite a bit in becoming a mom. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I stopped doing my nails and dressing cute. I quit buying things for myself. I started rushing through my personal and private times, such a showers and what not. I put so much energy into our kid that I drained myself. Worse than that, I didn’t refill myself either. My goal for 2019 is to take an hour or two a week to recharge. Read a book. Eat in peace. Relax. Untouched. It’s hard to remember that you’re still important once you have a little one depending on you 24/7 but as the great Shel Silverstein once said, “I can be someone else’s and still be my own”.

BE A NICE WIFE

This is one that I HAVE to keep, no matter what. As you know, I’ve dealt with a lot of PPD, causing me to be very ugly towards my husband much too often. He’s a great man. No. He’s a perfect man. He does more than I could put into words for our family, and I have no clue how to repay him for his love and generosity. He’s the most patient man alive, seriously. All of these things, and yet I still throw trash at him (no not literally). I still make snarky comments and complain about simple, incomplete tasks, such as taking out the trash or mild clutter. This year, starting from the second I opened my eyes this morning, Ive decided to stop before I say anything to my husband. I’ve decided to think about how he feels and consider the context. I’ve decided to stop with the “small, joking” arguments because they turn into big and serious fights. I’ve decided to love unconditionally and allow him to be as much himself as possible, because while I deserve a break from life sometimes, so does he, and he rarely takes the time.

***bonus resolution***

START BLOGGING MORE!!!!

This one goes hand in hand with self care. Writing is something that I genuinely enjoy and it’s a positive outlet. Since October, I’ve been trying out new jobs (to no avail) and busy stressing about the holidays that I dropped off the blog completely. But, you can’t just abandon something you love. So in 2019, I am determined to post at least one entry a week, if not more. I’m determined to add lots of new content, collaborate and work with affiliates, and drive a lot more traffic this way. I’m obviously biased, but I feel as if I could positively influence a lot of mamas and wife’s if I put my mind in the right place.

So please, if you have ANY ideas for entry’s or collaborations, contact me! I’d love to hear from you, and of course-

Welcome to 2019. We’re still good.

He deserves his mother

So, I’m not going to lie, before I was a mother, I could not grasp the concept of postpartum depression. How could someone be so sad with a brand new baby to hold and love? It made no sense to me whatsoever. That’s why I completely get why others don’t seem to understand.

So here is my attempt at putting it into words.

Keep in mind that this part is my personal experience and that every woman is different.

The first two weeks were iffy. It may have been PPD or it may just be baby blues. Either way, I would literally look at my child, my new baby, and start sobbing. I couldn’t believe that I did THAT. I was tired and overwhelmed and I had just popped out an entire human from my vajayjay. He was so small and helpless and completely dependent on me to keep him alive.

So I cried. Ugly cried. A lot.

As we progressed beyond the two week mark, the crying continued. I was too anxious to leave my baby for more than 10 minutes. The smallest inconvenience shut me down completely. If he had a meltdown inside a store, I crumbled.

I hated myself. I hated the way that I looked. I hated the way that I felt. I tried to do everything myself, and when I inevitably failed, I shut down for days at a time. I felt like a terrible mother, daughter, sister, friend and wife. Every mean thing I had ever said my entire life replayed in my brain. I felt unloved, unworthy and just plain out not good enough.

It took a long time for me to realize that it was postpartum depression. Every time we went to my sons pediatrician, they gave me a generic questionnaire to fill out, asking if I was “so upset that I couldn’t sleep” or “had thoughts of harming my baby”. My answers were always no, so I assumed that I was fine.

It didn’t click until about three months post partum, when I had a very “blue” day. My baby and I sat in the dark all day, I didn’t watch TV or read. I just laid there and looked at my baby, hating myself. My husband came home to a broken wife and a confused baby. He insisted that I call my doctor to get back on track.

He tried to understand and help me feel better but he couldn’t quite grasp why I was so sad, because frankly, I couldn’t either.

My hurt was affecting both of the most important people in my life. My husband was carrying so much because I couldn’t anymore. My son was just coming into this world and instead of seeing all of the magic that exists, he was seeing a sad mommy.

It took me swallowing my pride to make it back to the doctor, who told me that I did in fact, have postpartum depression.

I’m slowly getting better, I’m taking antidepressants and speaking to a therapist.

I know a lot of mothers go through this, so here’s my advice..

• Do not be shameful. Over 3 million mothers in the US have postpartum depression. It’s a chemical imbalance paired with crazy hormones and a total life changing event.

• Talk about it the best that you can, whether it’s to your mom, spouse, best friend. Heck, email me, I would love to lend you my ears.

• You are NOT a bad anything. You’re not a bad mom. You’re not a bad wife. You are loved. Your baby thinks the world of you, because right now you ARE their world.

• Take care of yourself. Self love is key. I know that you feel like you have to carry everything right now. I know that you feel guilty spending any time away from your baby, but your sanity is dependent on “you time”. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Take a bubble bath. Take the dog on a walk. Paint your nails. This is so important to your health that I plan to do an entire entry on this in the future.

If doing it for yourself isn’t enough, if it still doesn’t persuade you to reach out, do it for your partner, or do it for you your baby.

My husband deserves his wife. My baby deserves his mother.

my blog now has an instagram! Check it out and feel free to email or DM! (link below)

https://www.instagram.com/meltdownmombie/

meltdown mombie

I decided to make this my first post, mostly because it’s the name of the whole game.

I guess I should start out with welcome to my blog!

That sounds cliche though, and I’m not a fan.

The truth is that I’m not writing this blog for an audience, although a lot of you could probably relate. I’m writing this blog as a collection of my own thoughts. I catch myself rambling to no one much to often. I think that comes with being a stay at home mom. I considered a diary, but then I decided that I wanted to tell at least somebody what was on my mind.

So, like I said, welcome to my blog.

I’m going to talk a lot about my struggles and my successes, my happy days and my sad days, my joys and my weaknesses. I’m going to talk about my marriage, our life with the military, our dogs, my past, our future, and most importantly, being a mom.

I’ll throw some advice out here and there as well, although I can’t call it professional or even good.

For now, I’ll start with this:

meltdown mombie

For those of you who don’t know, a mombie is a mom zombie. It originated from a comic about a mom who eats people. I don’t do that, but the mom in Santa Clarita Diet does and she’s pretty rad so no judgment. The more ethical version of mombie is best described as an exhausted mom!

Those days when you slug out of bed, listening to dogs barking and babies crying. Your hair is kind of in a bun but kind of not at the same time. You give your husband a sloppy kiss and hurry to get your coffee made because you’re needed elsewhere and it’s very obvious. That’s me every single day.

I don’t need to explain what a meltdown. That’s simple. It’s when you literally melt into a hardly functional person. It usually involves tears, binge eating and lots of cuss words. That’s also me, almost every day.

Meltdown mombie. That’s me, all the way.

If this sounds like you, you’ll probably really enjoy this blog.

I’m here to tell you, mama, that it is okay to be this person.

You’re not a bad mother. No one said you had to have it all together and if they did, they’re wrong.

You willnot have a constantly clean house. You will get behind on laundry. You will have days where you don’t get dressed. You won’t eat a well balanced diet every day. You will have have moments when you feel like everything is going wrong. You will crave five minutes of private time. You’ll have days that you try to block out the noise and remember when your world was quiet. You will not always have it all together, but at least you are together.

This life is chaos. You will never be the same as you were before. I know that can sting a little and it’s okay to feel that way. Breathe easy though, because in the middle of all of your stress, you’ll look down and see your little one smiling up at you because you are their whole world, and they are your reason for living.

I can’t tell you how many days I sit and wonder if I’m cut out for this madness. I wonder if I’m doing anything right. I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way.

I’m telling you this though, mama, you were made for this. Whether you believe that or not. Your kids don’t want perfect, they want love.

So throw your hair up and pour that coffee, because any day is a good day to be meltdown mombie.